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Before I became a life coach I once got a tip that blew my mind: to complain consciously.
Why waste time complaining when you can complain consciously?
It’s so much more effective.
You see, regular ol’ complaining is usually accompanied by eye rolling, heavy sighing, and lots of sarcasm.
Conscious complaining, however, is accompanied by eye rolling, heavy sighing, and lots of sarcasm PLUS compassion and empathy.
Big difference. Big, I tell you.
MOOD VS. ATTITUDE
Regular ol’ complaining is what most of us do too much of, and oftentimes, we don’t even hear ourselves complaining. We do it unconsciously. When it’s allowed to get out of hand it goes from affecting our mood to affecting our whole attitude.
Here’s how I define the difference between mood and attitude:
A “mood” is usually a temporary feeling or state of mind that draws us inward and shuts the world out.
An attitude is formed when we push our mood out and onto the world around us. It can be temporary (“Did you just give me attitude?), and it can become deeply ingrained over time (“He always seems to be angry at the world.”)
Where does complaining fit into all of this?
In her book, The Language of Emotions, Karla McLaren describes conscious complaining as a way to help access and understand your emotions more clearly.
Conscious complaining serves the purpose of allowing the complainer to “let it all out,” so to speak. It can be done alone (venting in the mirror or journaling, perhaps), or with a person who is willing to listen, without judgment or offering to “fix” the situation. Eye-rolling, heavy sighing and sarcasm are done consciously (by the complainer, not the listener!!!).
Complaining consciously can be cathartic if it’s used as a way to deflate a negative emotion (ex., anger) as opposed to inflating it. Instead of screaming into a pillow you not only feel the emotion but you express the thoughts that are driving it. The key is to feel a level of compassion for the complainer and what she’s experiencing.
Why we complain…
Let’s face it, complaining is often used as a way to seek validation. The problem is when it becomes chronic and the complainer sees the whole world as an opportunity to vent his or her frustration.
Life Coach Tip: If you’re a chronic complainer, or know someone who is, the answer is compassion and empathy. If you’re on the receiving end of a complainer, invite them to vent for a specified amount of time, after which you acknowledge their pain and frustration, and then move on.
If you recognize yourself as a complainer, seek out the help of a willing (and skilled) listener who will neither judge nor try to resolve the “problem.”
Ready to do some conscious complaining? Join our band of Gutsy Glorious Girlfriends!
