ALWAYS Let Them See You Sweat.
Egads, did I just say that?
I swear there was an audible gasp from the side of the room where all the perfectionists like to hang out, desperately trying to perfect their already perfect imperfections and hiding the shame they profess not to have.
They do it so perfectly don’t they?
And by ‘they’ I mean me. At least, the me I used to be.
I call this the ‘let’s pretend I’m not really human’ stage of my life.
In full disclosure, I felt rather at home hanging out on the perfect side of the room. In fact, I actually believed I had a duty to be on that side of the room. It was a message I grew up with: Never talk to anyone about what goes on in this house. Which I interpreted to mean, “Never let them see you sweat.”
So I didn’t. I mean, I never talked to anyone about anything even remotely private. If you’d asked me how often I brushed my teeth I’m pretty sure I would’ve said something like, “Did you hear about the fifth dentist? Apparently he caved!”
Anything to divert the conversation away from me and my (unconscious) fear that someone might find out something about me and that would be unsurvivable.
Unsurvivable!
I know, our fearful beliefs appear to be rather ridiculous on paper. but
I believe that at the heart of everything we work so hard to hide from the world is a shame so deep that, if exposed to the light of day, might actually kill us.
This unconscious fear of dying from disapproval, ridicule, embarrassment – who knows? – led me to unwittingly devise a very cool way of protecting myself: I would listen to everyone else talk about their problems, their struggles, their misery, and their woes. My girlfriends always told me I was such a ‘good listener.’
I was so ‘nice.’
They had no idea.
Then again, neither did I.
It took me a long time to figure that out. A very long time.
After going through a divorce and somehow managing to hide it from the outside world for six months, I picked up a book that would change my life.
It was called The Dance of Anger by Dr. Harriet Lerner and it created the very first crack in the self-installed glass ceiling that hung over my head and prevented me from living my life.
The book gave me the first glimpse of the one-hundred extra pounds of weight I’d been carrying around in my head since I was a little girl. Harriet Lerner’s book gave me my very first glimpse into a power I never knew I had… the power to make my own rules.
Wait. What?
But what if I get in trouble? What if “They” find out about all the things that are wrong with me?
What if I’m put out into the pasture of shame?
And there it was, buried down deep in the sludge of a very old and outdated belief system: shame.
It took a while to understand how shame feeds off of secrets.
My father had a secret: he was an alcoholic. Holding onto that secret caused me to gain about a hundred pounds of weight in my head.
The Weight In Your Head
You know how awful it feels when you’re in the middle of a hard workout but then afterwards you feel great because you did it?
Letting people see you sweat is kinda like that. It’s the key that releases you from the prison of your own mind.
It grows you up.
Shining a light on your secrets is a shame burner.
Sweat brings out the adult woman in you. Have you met her? She is stronger, mightier, and gutsier than you may realize.
She can handle your fear of embarrassment.
And your fear of failure.
And your fear of letting people down.
And your fear of breaking the rules.
And your fear of being you.
Woman UP, Girl Friend.
Don’t be afraid to let them see you sweat.
If for no other reason but that it keeps you in integrity.
Not to mention that it shows you’re human.
You are human, right?
Sweating Stinks
I will not lie, letting them see you sweat can induce icky feelings. But I promise you that, as awkward and uncomfortable and messy it feels, the only way to feel gloriously free is to muster up your guts and declare, without an ounce of apology: “This is me. Whether you approve or not doesn’t matter anymore.”
I know, breaking free like that is hard, you don’t have to tell me that. Deciding you don’t need anyone’s approval anymore may sound good in your head, but when it comes to actually walking that talk, well… that really does take guts.
And grit.
And a whole lot of grace.
Guts to stand up for what you believe in.
Grit to get back up more times than you fall down (and you will fall down).
And grace to do it all without judging yourself (or anyone else for that matter). In fact, true Self Care happens when we love ourselves unconditionally (and in the extreme) and feel nothing but compassion for the woman in us who is a human being.
It’s the being part that trips us up. When we try to be anything other than our imperfectly perfect Self in any given moment, when we try to put our best face forward, we are not at our best.
We are at our best when we are telling the truth. Even when – especially when – it makes us sweat.
The “fake it ’til you make it” mentality has gotten old. Besides, success acquired through “faking it” ultimately stunts your growth.
Standing up for your Self is not always easy, but it is necessary if you’re going to break free from the glass ceiling you put over your head.
Expect to sweat.
You are worth sweating for.
In love and guts,
Lin xo
